doubt
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, and when I eventually did I couldn’t stay asleep. I have dealt with severe emotional disturbances for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed and treated for bi polar disorder at 13. Although I am much more in control of my emotions today, I still have a hard time dealing with this immense amount of pain inside of me. Sometimes I get so worked up and feel too much that my sleep and speech is affected. Sometimes even my writing gets odd. It is hard to explain… in short, I just hurt.
When my alarm went off today I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I dressed myself and sobbed. On the bus I picked at my fingers and contemplated calling out sick.. because I FELT sick and alone and shaky. Then I saw my kids and I knew they needed me after a 3 day break from school. However, when I noticed one of my most amazing 5th graders acting a bit off today during Art Therapy… I couldn’t bring myself to comfort him. I asked him “Jovaan, what’s up? you okay? you look sad.” all he could to was shrug his shoulders and say “I’m just… I don’t know.. not with it.”
Now let me tell you, Jovaan is my bright light. On dark days he is my brightest light and often keeps ME “with it.” His enthusiasm and his love for me as another human being pours out of him constantly. Today, his spark was gone and all I could do was rub his nappy little head and tell him I was here if he needed me.
Today I felt like a failure. My fear, my anxiety, my loneliness… it all got in the way of a very special bond I have with a very special young man.
